feeling a bit down

To say I am feeling down in the dumps lately is an understatement. I am scared. For the past two weeks I have been in terrible pain. The pain is getting better but is being replaced by numbness and tingling, which scares me more than the pain does. I do not want to have back surgery. The recovery is terrible, and we have a baby on the way. I want to care for her and be the best mother I can be. The past two weeks I have not even been able to barely care for myself.

I have had two good conversations with Jackie, the physician's assistant at the neurosurgeon's office. Jackie said that what I am describing is an irritated nerve and it will get better, but will just take some time. When I speak to her it calms me down, but before long I am a wreck again. My mother keeps telling me that if surgery was my only option to recover, then I wouldn't be getting even a little better on my own. This helps me feel better, too, but not enough. I have been working from home for two weeks, and have barely left the house aside from going for my MRI on Thursday, going with Steven to the grocery store for a few things on Saturday, and going to the tmobile store yesterday when I was having cell phone problems, since I need the phone for work. One week ago I wouldn't have even been able to do those things, so I try to keep reminding myself of that and telling myself "see you are getting a little better!" even if I don't really believe it.

Wednesday afternoon I have an appointment with the neurosurgeon to go over my MRI results. This is the same doctor I saw in November who told me that he was reluctant to do a fusion on me since they are not always successful, and he thought if I went through physical therapy, followed by a yoga and pilates program I would feel a lot better. So I went to physical therapy, and did get a lot better, and continued to do all of the exercises and stretches on a daily basis that I was taught in therapy. I lost about 15 pounds since then, too. I hadn't yet gotten into a yoga or pilates program, but I was doing great. Then we went on vacation. I actually started to have a little pain before the trip, which I blamed on all the laundry and packing I was doing, I had a lot of pain during our trip, which I blamed on the long car rides, and by the time we came back I was just in agony. I am grateful it began the day we came home instead of while we are away.

The pain is worse at night, so I am not sleeping, and I think that sleep-deprivation might be what is making me a little crazy, scared and obsessed about my symptoms.

We did manage to complete our autobiographies, financial statements, and make copies of most of what is needed for the rest of our home study process, and got all of the items in the mail to the social worker today. So at least that is something productive! All we have left to do is send a copy of my birth certificate, and do our physical exams. I am waiting to do my physical until we are set on Cobra insurance, and until I can walk in without a back issue as I don't want that listed on my physical exam. I am hoping that after talking to the doctor tomorrow he will just tell me I will need to go back to physical therapy and that I will be OK again. That will make me feel better a lot emotionally, which in turn will probably make me feel better physically, too.

Baby S' bedroom is coming along. Right now it is still being used as an office, and Steven has been hard at work moving his comic book boxes into the coat closet downstairs, which we do not use considering we live in South Florida. We also purchased shelves for the garage and are putting some of the things in there, to clear up the room ... Well Steven is doing the work. I am just supervising. :) After that is done, we may move on to putting the crib and changing table together, which are in boxes in our garage. And once I am feeling better I am going to the baby store to discuss with them ideas for the lightest stroller, baby carrier, etc., so that I decrease the risk of hurting my back again. I am trying to look forward to these positive things!

I don't have any new updates on Elizabeth, but I think I will give her a call in a little while to see how she is doing. I last spoke to her on Thursday of last week. She seems happy in her new place, and promises to stay there for at least the remainder of her pregnancy. She says she wants to be stable, and has been very unhappy having to move so often. Since we matched with her in May, Elizabeth has lived in five places.

That's all for now. Until next time...