Wednesday, June 30, 2010

random thoughts

I think I am going to have to pull an all-nighter tonight. I have two stories due tomorrow at noon. My research and telephone calls for it are done, but now I have almost 10,000 words of notes, in addition to powerpoint slides and PDFs with charts and tables, all of which needs to be condensed into two stories, one being just 800 words and the other being just 400 words.

I'm very tired because last night we were at the "Eclipse" premier, which was at midnight. We bought the tickets a long time ago before I knew I would be on such tight deadlines this week. It's also a rarity that we go out to a movie anymore so it was a nice treat. For the most part we are only watching movies at home and I've been cooking dinner every night and packing lunches every day, because we are trying to prepare for the arrival of Baby S, in addition to paying the adoption costs. Luckily, I am fortunate to receive press tickets to many things, which allows us to get out of the house for little or no money.

We have a payment due soon to pay for Elizabeth's rent and expenses for the month, like we do every month between now and December. Our next large payment to the attorney for legal fees is due in September.

We also have started to check out the baby stores so that we can have an idea of how much the crib, stroller, car seat, etc. will cost. Everything is so expensive. My mother came along once and told us not to worry about the stroller as she is planning that as a gift when Baby S arrives. A friend of mine who is pregnant suggested we register at the baby store; maybe when it gets closer we will. Right now we are just hoping Baby S is healthy, which we will know in about three weeks (two weeks after the amnio procedure is done.)

I am on a forum board for couples who are adopting, and have asked for advice on what to say and how to act when I meet Elizabeth next Tuesday, and have gotten great advice. It was suggested that I remember she is a person on her own, and to try to talk as little as possible about the pregnancy and Baby S, and just get to know her and ask her if there is anything she wants to know about us that she doesn't already know. I go back and forth between being nervous and excited about meeting her next week.

Our beautiful greyhound, Penny, just climbed up on the couch making her way between Steven and me, as I write, and Steven is going through a box of comic books that his father sent back to him after going to a signing for him in Charlotte, N.C. Now our cat, Shakespeare, got jealous, and just joined the party. So the four of us are here together on the couch in the family room. Our dogs and cats have been (and still are) like children to us, and we hope they adjust well when Baby S joins our family. I think it may take a little adjustment as they are used to receiving tons of attention, but our "fur-kids" love "skin-kids" so it should be an easy adjustment.

OK, this was already too long of a break. Back to work for me.....

work, work and more work

The first two stories for my newest freelance job are due on Thursday, and I have to admit that the work is kicking my butt. Covering the finance industry is more difficult than I remember, and because this is a trade publication, the economists and industry leaders reading the magazine expect to learn something new. Therefore, I have to write in a way that makes it seem like I know more than they do. This is not an easy task. The editor called me today and assigned me another story for next week, so between this, editing my magazine, and doing my freelance writing for the other newspaper for which I write, my plate is more than full right now. I am hoping I can actually pull off all of this welcomed work.

I am hoping I can continue being successful with the things I am doing, because although I am working a lot, I am able to do so on my own schedule, such as writing in the middle of the night if need be, and some days working entirely from home. My goal is to not have to put Baby S into daycare, since I have a flexible schedule. I am thinking there is a good chance I may have to give up one of my jobs once the baby is here in order to make this possible, but only time will tell.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

meeting Elizabeth

I am going to be meeting Elizabeth!! Next Tuesday, on July 6, I am going to meet her at the doctor's office when she has the amnio.

She is very nervous about having the procedure done, and our attorney is going to be out of town that week and cannot go with her. I decided to offer the idea of me being there with her, even though I am basically a stranger to her. My attorney said that Elizabeth is very happy to not be going alone, and when she found it was me that would be there, she was ecstatic. I am nervous to meet her. She wanted the attorney to give me her phone number and said I can call her any time, but the attorney suggested we wait until we meet and see how we feel. I do not know what to expect. But I am excited to be there. I am excited to be able to see our baby on the monitor when they do the ultrasound before the amnio. I am hoping to hear the heartbeat. And on that day I am expecting to learn the gender, too. I honestly do not care if Baby S is a boy or girl. I pray that he or she is healthy. That's really my only concern. It may sound crazy considering I haven't even met Elizabeth, and the due date is more than 5 months away, but I think I already love Baby S. How is that possible?

the reason for no fruit update on Friday

As you may have noticed, I didn't mention what fruit Baby S looked like on Friday, when I do the weekly updates. This is because Elizabeth's due date has been revised again. It is now set for Dec. 17, not Dec. 10, which means she was 15 weeks pregnant as of Friday, and not 16 weeks. The 15-week update was the one I gave the previous Friday, so there is no update this week. I am told the date may change one more time when Elizabeth has the amnio next Tuesday, July 6. I'll let you know. :)

Friday, June 25, 2010

I was worried for nothing

Well I definitely worried for nothing.

Our social worker came over today to see our home. I had been so nervous about this, but it turns out I had no reason to worry. It was an easy, comfortable visit. She looked around the house, and then we sat down and talked for a while. We talked about baby furniture, baby names, about the neighborhood and local schools, etc. We also talked about if we should meet Elizabeth or not, which has been something on mind, lately, as Elizabeth is leaving that choice up to us. We also showed her the photos of Baby S' biological sibling, which we received from the attorney. He turned 2 in May, and lives in New York. I am not sure if I mentioned that sibling in a previous post or not. Elizabeth gave a child up for adoption two years ago, and he was adopted by a single mother in New York City. The mother is very open to the idea of our children one day meeting if they would like to know their biological siblings. Anyway, she was nice enough to send photos, and the child is absolutely adorable. He looks very happy and well-adjusted, and really couldn't be cuter.

So one more step is now done. We still have to finish our autobiographies, get physical exams, and get fingerprinted.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Good news

Today I have good news to report!

First of all, we received two ultrasound pictures. You can definitely tell that it's a baby (I think that's a good start. LOL) We have not yet been told the gender, and me being the obsessive researcher that I am, found a couple of Web sites in which you can compare ultrasound photos to others that did have the gender identified. So I studied the photos on the site compared to the photos of Baby S. At first I was convinced Baby S was a girl. Then later in the day I looked again, and was convinced that Baby S was a boy. So in other words: I have no idea!! :)

Elizabeth had another ultrasound this week and the OB said the heartbeat is VERY strong. The only thing that was confusing was that the regular OB said she was 14 and a half weeks today, but according to what the high-risk OB said last week, she should be 16 weeks tomorrow. So I think there is still some confusion on the due date, which is frustrating to me.

In other good news, Elizabeth visited the Medicaid dentist, and her dental work will cost us $325, instead of $2,100. She is getting just the minimum done now, and the rest done after the baby is born. Personally. I have a huge fear of the dentist, even for things just like cleanings or getting a small cavity filled, so I asked our attorney to express my sympathy to Elizabeth for the extensive dental work she has ahead of her. The attorney said that Elizabeth was very appreciative of my words, and is extremely grateful for our help enabling her to get her dental work performed. The attorney said that Steven and I are performing a great mitzvah, not just in providing a home to a baby who needs love, but also for helping Elizabeth.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

I hoped to receive the two ultrasound photos, but they didn't arrive in today's mail. I'm thinking they will be here tomorrow. We are also anxiously waiting to see the ultrasound report.

Elizabeth has three appointments coming up. First, she apparently is in need of some dental work, which will be our financial responsibility since it affects her health and the health of the baby. She went to a regular dentist last week who estimated the work would cost about $2,100. Tomorrow she has an appointment at a dentist who takes her Medicaid, and will be getting a new estimate, which we are we expecting to be significantly less than the price she was quoted from the regular dentist. Before the dentist will do the work, she will need to get clearance from her OB stating that it is safe for her to have the work done during the pregnancy.

On Thursday, she has her routine appointment with her OB. I am not expecting to hear much news from this appointment. On July 6, she is scheduled for the amniocentesis. She is not happy about having the amnio, but she agreed to it when we first matched with her, so she is committed to having it done. She is having the amnio done because she is older than 35, and the procedure can rule out abnormalities such as Down syndrome. The results take about two weeks, so it'll be about four weeks from now before we can expect the results. It will also tell us the gender of the baby, although I am hoping we find out sooner.

Waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Father's Day

Father's Day is officially over. Thank goodness. It hasn't really been my favorite holiday since I lost my father four-and-a-half years ago. (I can't believe it's been that long.)
I was thinking that for the first time I am actually looking forward to the next Father's Day, because we will have a new reason to celebrate the holiday in our home, as it will be Steven's first year as a father. :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Julie & Julia

Has anyone ever seen the movie "Julie & Julia?" I believe it was a book first, and if so, it will be on my list of books to read. I can't sleep once again, and am watching the movie now, even though I have seen it before.
There are a couple of references in the movie about Julie Child never having children, and the story implies that she was infertile. In one scene, she is sitting in the park watching a mother walk by with an infant in a stroller, and Julia Child watches longingly as the woman walks by. In the other scene, she gets a letter from her sister with news that she is pregnant. She tells her husband she is happy for her, but says it through tears, sobbing on her husband's shoulder as she declares this happiness for her sister.
I know how Julia Child felt. I have several friends, family members, and colleagues who have shared with me their news of finding out they are pregnant. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy for them. But I couldn't have helped feeling sad for me at the same time. This is something that women who were able to get pregnant easily may not understand. Those of you facing infertility issues know exactly what I am talking about. There have been several times that I have hugged someone and congratulated them for their exciting news, then have gone home and cried afterward. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I guess it's just that I wanted it for myself, too.
Before we matched with Elizabeth, our social worker who is doing our home study told me that once we match with someone I would feel better, and in many ways I would feel as though I am pregnant myself as I wait for the baby to be born. She was right. I do feel better. I do feel pregnant.
I guess today was just bittersweet. I went to a couple of large baby stores Saturday with my sister, my mother, my niece and a friend of mine who is pregnant, and of course the majority of women shopping in the stores were visibly pregnant. I was happy to be looking at baby items. (I am not buying anything yet, just getting ideas and getting an idea of how much everything we need will cost.) But it still hurt to see all of the pregnant women in the store. Does this make me a bad person to feel this way?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

15 weeks and an apple

On Friday, Elizabeth was 15 weeks along in the pregnancy. Right now, we are waiting for two ultrasound photos that are on the way to us via snail mail–soooo excited to see them, as they will be the first photos of our baby!!

At 15 weeks, Baby S was about 4 inches long and weighed about 2 and a 1/2 ounces. He or she is about the size of an apple now!! His or her legs are growing longer than the arms and he or she can move joints and limbs. Here is something else I found really cool. Although his or her eyelids are still fused shut, Baby S can sense light. So if Elizabeth were to shine a flashlight at her stomach, Baby S would likely move away from the beam. How cool is that??

Friday, June 18, 2010

stress and nerves

I've been getting headaches almost daily lately. I know stress is a big cause of headaches, so I'm not sure if it's related to stress or something else. I also haven't been sleeping well, another possible cause of headaches. It's also been extremely hot outside, and sometimes when I drink a ton of water it helps relieve the headache a little, so maybe I'm a little dehydrated. Who knows? I've been taking a lot of Advil; sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm reading about magnesium or the herb Feverfew, which I've heard can help headaches naturally.

I am not blaming the adoption process for my headaches and lack of sleep, but the truth is that I am stressed about the adoption. There's no particular reason, it's just the whole process in general. I don't know what Elizabeth is doing, or how well she is taking care of herself. I am hoping she is not smoking or drinking. She was required her to have drug testing, and everything came back negative. But of course a drug test does not detect cigarettes or alcohol. If I was the one that was pregnant, I'd probably barely even be drinking a diet coke, so it's stressful for me not knowing if the woman who is carrying our child is taking care of herself.

I keep busy. I am working a lot, still decorating our new home, and spending time with family and friends. We've been trying to not spend much money, so we've also been watching a lot of movies at home instead of going to the theaters. But no matter how busy I am, Elizabeth and the baby she is carrying are ALWAYS on my mind. I think about all of the things we still have to do before the baby is born and before we can take him or her home. We have to finish writing more autobiographies, go for fingerprints, go for physicals, and prepare for the social worker who is coming to visit our house next week. I'm anxious, usually in a good way, but sometimes in a bad way where I just feel nervous.

Elizabeth has another doctor appointment in the morning. I am hoping they will soon set a day for the amnio, which is yet another cause of my nervousness. Maybe I will feel better after that is done. It will be one more hurdle crossed.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A shrimp, a lemon, and some exciting news!

Well we got some exciting news! Elizabeth had an ultrasound Wednesday morning, and she now has a revised due date of Dec. 10, instead of Dec. 23. This means she is almost 15 weeks pregnant, instead of being almost 13 weeks pregnant, and we are only a little more than 5 and a half months away from having our baby in our home! They took two ultrasound pictures which will be sent to us, and I am so excited to see Baby S! :)

Of course you all know what this means... it means I've been off on some of the weekly updates on how Baby S is developing. I missed week 13 and week 14! So here it goes. At week 13, Baby S was the size of a medium shrimp! (How did they let something slip in here other than a fruit?) Fingertips were formed, and the baby's body started to catch up with his or her head, which made up about 1/3 of his or her body on week 13. If Baby S is a girl, she now has more than 2 million eggs in her ovaries. Baby S was about 3 inches long and weighed about an ounce at week 13, too. On to Week 14, at which time Baby S became the size of a lemon, (OK back to the fruit. Why am I now finding this comforting? lol) at 3 and a half inches long and weighing about 1 and a half ounces. During this week, his or her arms grew to a length that is in proportion to the rest of the body. His or her hands are also more flexible and active. Some great news is that now Elizabeth is officially into her second trimester! This means the risk of miscarriage has decreased dramatically.

I can hardly wait for this week's newest update, which will be 15 weeks. December isn't sounding so far away anymore!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Couldn't come at a better time...

Yesterday was a good day! I got offered another freelance job, and it couldn't come at a better time. Between the enormous legal fees and the fact that we have to pay all of Elizabeth's living expenses from the time she conceived this child until 6 weeks after she gives birth, the cost of adoption is extremely high. (When I first started this blog, I decided I would never list actual numbers, and would try not to mention the money aspect too often. But as money is a large part of this process, the topic will have to come up sometimes in this blog as I share the whole story, and of course we have days where we worry, hoping we can actually pull this off financially.) This is not about the money, because we know having a child will be worth this expense, but we must admit that sometimes it's hard not to be jealous of the couples that can have a child without having to worry about this huge expense. A few people who have kids have said to us, "Just wait until you have the baby. Then things will be really expensive." We know this is true, but these people aren't realizing that they didn't have to pay thousands and thousands just to be able to have their baby in the first place, before the other expenses even started.

Anyway, back to the good news of yesterday, because that was meant to be the whole point of this post. I am sure my old employer will soon be referring to me as a traitor, as my new freelance job is for his competition, which he reads every week. I did offer my freelance services to him first, however he told me that he wished he could use me, but they do not have the freelance budget right now. So I do not think he has a right to be angry with me personally when he sees my byline in the competing publication, but I am sure he will be angry with me just the same. The work will not be easy, as it is extremely technical, finance-related news. It pays well, but it's a trade publication read by executives, analysts, economists, etc., who really know their stuff, and they want to read the things they don't already know. This is the same audience I wrote for in the past, before leaving in December, so I'm used to the work, but it's been a little while so I have to get into the mindset of it. This is an addition to the three other editing and writing jobs I have, so I'm expecting to be busy, but I welcome the work, because well... for starters, I love it, and because the money is very welcomed right now.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Follow AND subscribe my blog

After setting up this blog, I learned that if you become a follower you do not get notified when I add new posts. In order to get email notifications you have to subscribe to my blog to receive email notifications. I know that many people have done that because a lot of people have contacted me to tell me they are reading my blog and getting the emails. That is so amazing to me that people are reading! I originally started this blog as a way to help me vent, because the adoption process is weighing a lot on my mind, and writing has always been the most beneficial venue for me when I need to get things off my mind. I am also thinking of turning this entire process into a book at some point, and blogging seems like a great way for me to keep records of all my emotions through this time.
Unfortunately, there is no way for me to learn how many people are actually subscribing to receive email notifications when I add a new post to my blog, and I am trying to keep track of how many people are following my blog because now I have a goal of a certain number of people I'd like to be reading... lol... (actually Steven has a goal of a certain number. I am just curious.) So here is my request, can everyone who is reading my blog subscribe to receive email notifications AND also click on the link to become a follower? By becoming a follower then I can see how many people are actually reading my blog. Unfortunately, becoming a follower will not send you updates, so you will still need to subscribe in addition to becoming a follower if you want to be notified via email when I add a new post.
I know this request sounds self-serving, but it's information I am planning to use if and when this blog becomes the basis for a book (talking about how many followers I had during the process– some being friends and family, and some being strangers, etc.)
Thank you so much!!!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Names and signs

We are talking more about names. Or maybe I should say that I am talking more about names. Steven often tells me that we have plenty of time to think about names. He's right of course, but I'm excited and it's way too early to shop for baby items, so since it's soon to shop for things, my excitement is being utilized in "thinking" ways. I think about what the baby's room will look like, if my job will be OK with me bringing the baby with me to work at the beginning, how our dogs and cats will react to sharing the attention with a human baby, and names.
It has gone without saying that the first name will be named after my father. His name was Seymour, so we are still thinking of "S" names. Last time we were in Barnes & Noble, we found a book of 100,00 Baby Names on one of the bargain tables. Today my mother came by to visit, and even she couldn't stop herself from picking the book off our coffee table and reading through the names. The book is great because it explains the meaning of the name, and the country from which the name stems.
We still don't know who we are going to name the middle name after. For some reason, we are having an easier time with boy names than we are with girl names. I don't know if that's a sign.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Why adoption?

It's almost 4 a.m. and I'm not even close to tired for some reason. We didn't go out tonight, just relaxed, ate dinner and watched some TV. Steven fell asleep and I stayed up watching some "Friends" reruns. I'm not sure if anyone reading this blog is a "Friends" fan, but if you are, you may remember the last few episodes before the series ended when Monica and Chandler adopted a baby from the character Erica. I know it's just a TV sit-com, but it seemed like a sign when I saw those were the episodes airing tonight.
Of course their situation was different. They had met Erica in person a few times, and were actually with her when she went into labor, and Monica and Chandler were actually the ones that brought her to the hospital. Erica was a bit flakey, and didn't know she was having twins, because when her OB told her he heard two heartbeats, she just thought one of the heartbeats was hers and the other one was the baby's. So imagine Monica and Chandler's shock when they learned in the delivery room that they were about to become parents to two children.
When we originally started the process to adopt, one of the questions we were asked is if we were open to twins. We quickly said "yes." Because the mother's financial support doesn't change whether she is carrying one or two babies, and the legal fees are only a little higher, we figured that was the only chance we'd be able to have two children as it's very doubtful we'd be able to afford to adopt more than once.
Elizabeth is now 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant, so by now we'd know if she was carrying twins. She's not. Although I would have been very happy to have learned she was carrying twins, I'm just as happy that she is carrying one child, because either way, I get to be a mother.
Many people pursue fertility treatments harder than Steven and I did. Our main reason for going straight to adoption is that the cost of fertility treatments is very high, and the success rate isn't very high, and we were scared that if we spent every penny on fertility treatments and they didn't work we wouldn't have any finances left to adopt, and we'd be left with no chance of a child. When deciding what to do after we were diagnosed with unexplained fertility, a wise person I know asked me "Is your goal having a biological child or is your goal to become a mother?" For me, the only goal was never to biologically carry a child, although of course it would have been great if it happened. My goal has simply been to become a mother.

Friday, June 11, 2010

12 weeks, and a lime

Today is 12 weeks. 196 days to go!! You know what this means ... It's time for the update on what Baby S looks like this week.
Baby S is the size of a lime today. The most dramatic development this week for Baby S are his or her reflexes. Soon, fingers will begin to open and close, toes will curl, eye muscles will clench and his or her mouth will make sucking movements. The intestines are starting to move into the abdominal cavity, and the kidneys are excreting urine into his or her bladder. (Sorry if this TMI for some of you.) Nerve cells are multiplying, and Baby S' eyes finally looks human! His or her eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his or her head, and the ears are right where they should be. Baby S is a little more than 2 inches long this week.

I am finding myself lately wondering what Elizabeth is doing at different times of the day or night. Does she stay home in the evening and watch TV? (Does she have a TV?) Is she sleeping enough, eating right and taking care of herself? Is she taking the prenatal vitamins she was given? Because we have a closed adoption, I do not have any direct contact with her, so these are questions I am not able to ask her. The attorney tells me not to worry and that she is sure Elizabeth is doing what she is supposed to be doing. Again this is where faith and trust step in. I am learning to let go of control and just put my trust and faith out there. That's difficult for me, to just let go like that, but what choice do I have?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Forum boards

Anyone that knows me knows I am all about forum boards. I think they are great ways to get information, and to connect with people who are going through similar issues. I first became really involved with forum boards when my beautiful greyhound, Pebbles, was fighting a battle with cancer. I joined several forum boards at that time, getting tips on how to slow down the cancer process. Sadly, my 14-year-old girl passed away a little more than two years ago (I can't believe it's been that long), but I have stayed in touch with several people I "met" on those online boards, and have since joined a couple more -- one for those who have lost a pet to cancer, and another one comprised of a small group of wonderful people who are greyhound-lovers. I consider many of these people friends, even though we may not have met in person.
While we were trying to conceive, I joined boards for women who were trying to get pregnant, and later joined boards for women who were trying to conceive and having difficulty. As you may have guessed, I later joined a board for women who are in the process of adopting. Today I joined another forum board. This one is for women who are expecting children in December. They welcomed me whole-heartedly even though I myself am not pregnant.
In a weird way, I feel like I am pregnant. No, I don't have any of the physical symptoms (well maybe aside from moodiness but I always have that one.. lol.) But I feel connected to this child already. I worry how he or she is developing and growing, and am already wondering what kind of adult Baby S will grow up to become. I am filled with hopes and dreams of a beautiful family, even if it is not being created in the most traditional way.
My husband and I already feel as though we have our own little family, as we are proud parents to two dogs and four cats. We love them all immensely, while never forgetting to talk about and think about Pebbles, who was really the one that opened my heart to love these beautiful four-legged creatures.
I do not have any news specifically about Baby S today. We are still thinking about names, and trying to decide on an initial for the middle name so we can also start thinking about middle names.
I am feeling peaceful today, realizing that six and a half months will be here before we know it.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Things are looking up

Elizabeth moved into her new place yesterday. It's a furnished efficiency, and her rent includes all utilities, and it's very close to public transportation. The rent is a little less than we originally estimated, so we're very happy about that. She had some trouble finding a place, because her credit is not good, and although we are the ones ultimately responsible for supporting her right now, we are not legally responsible for her, so her name is the only one on the lease. Finally after the attorney explained the situation to the landlord, she was approved for this place.
After she was all settled in, the attorney told her that all of the good things that happened yesterday were thanks to the adoptive parents, who are doing these things with hopes of her going through the adoption. She told our attorney to pass along a message to us that we can be "100 percent sure she will." She went on to tell her that she is not able to care for a child, and cited an example from her past.
It made me feel a little better, even though I know the birth mother has all of the rights (not us) and that she can change her mind up until she signs those papers 48 hours after she gives birth. I feel bad for that final decision she has ahead of her, even though we want this baby so badly. My attorney has told us not to worry, and has said that "Elizabeth doesn't have a maternal bone in her body." I don't understand why she keeps getting pregnant. I don't know if it's that she has a made a living out of giving up babies for adoption (this is her third time doing this) or if it's because she is very poor and Catholic, meaning she doesn't believe in birth control or abortion, and doesn't have the financial means to take care of a child. I am trying to think the best of her, as I hope (and am trying to believe) that she is the woman carrying our baby for us.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Today we are waiting to hear from the attorney to see if Elizabeth has been moved out of the hotel and set up in a new place to live, a place we hope she will stay for at least the remainder of the pregnancy.
When I let my mind wander about having a baby in our home in December, I become filled with warm feelings, picturing a crib upstairs and holding a baby in my arms. I am also terrified because deep down I know anything can happen. Elizabeth could change her mind. I cannot imagine what it would be like to carry a child for 9 months, give birth to him or her, and then sign away parental rights. Elizabeth is not expected to change her mind, as she has done this before and knows what is ahead of her. But I still can't stop myself from being afraid this time she will feel too connected to this child to let him or her go.
I try not to think that way often. I am trying to put my faith and trust to God that this will turn out however it is meant to be, and if it is not this child that is meant for us, there will be another one that will become ours to love. I sometimes have trouble with faith, because I've seen bad things happen to good people, and watched my father battle health issues for years, and he is the last person on earth who deserved that struggle. But here I am, putting my faith out there anyway. I feel that I have no choice right now but to have faith and to trust that everything will turn out exactly the way it should.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Baby S: the size of a fig

I am a few days behind in posting, but as of Friday, apparently Baby S was the size of a fig. (I still haven't figured out why likes to compare babies to different size fruits as they grow.)

On Friday, Elizabeth was officially 11 weeks along, and Baby S is now almost fully formed. His or her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under the gums, and some of the bones are beginning to harden.

As for Elizabeth, she was in a hotel all weekend, but is expected to be moved into her new place by tomorrow, where we are hoping she will be comfortable and will stay for at least the remainder of the pregnancy.

I am trying to save up my questions for the attorney and call her/email her less often, because I realize we are being charged by the hour for legal fees, and every phone call and email adds up.

During our last conversation she told me that once Elizabeth is settled in her new place, with the exception of her monthly doctor appointments, things will be almost boring and there wont be so much news to report on a daily basis, and things will be almost stress-free and calm. She said at that point it becomes just a matter of waiting. I hope she is right!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Names and some OT stuff

I know this is a little bit off-topic, but I just got back from driving my mother to the airport. She was nervous to be flying, and seeing her nervous made me nervous. Usually we don't think of our mothers being nervous or scared. We think of them as the ones we go to when we are nervous and scared ourselves, and need comforting.
I don't have any new updates as far as our adoption journey today, except for that we've been starting to think of names. We will be finding out the gender a little later on, so really we will only need to think of one first and middle name, but we are still starting to think of both boy and girl names now anyway, even though we are getting a little bit ahead of ourselves. Following the Jewish tradition of using the first letter of someone who is deceased to honor them, we will be naming our child with a name beginning with "S" after my father. For a boy, so far our favorite name is Samuel, with the idea of calling him Sam. For a girl we are still playing around with some ideas, with some possibilities being Samantha, with Sami as a nickname, or Savannah, Skye, Scarlett or Sabrina I think, but we still have a lot of time to worry about that. That will be the fun part.


I'm feeling calmer this morning. It is a long time until Dec. 23 (give or take) so I realize I can't let everything that happens between now and then make me crazy. I also realize that putting Elizabeth in an inexpensive motel for a few days is not really going to make a difference financially than helping her settle into a place to live a few days earlier. I had weird dreams again last night, but this time nothing to do with babies, so I'm hoping that's a sign that maybe I'm calming down and wont be obsessing over the next six months and three weeks or so. (But who's counting?)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I'm freaking out already...

So I just got this email from our attorney.
"Well I called and they said the labs came back today! The doctor's office person I spoke to said that "everything looks ok",
but the labs have to be seen by the doctor, signed off, and put in Liz' chart, before they can be faxed to me. Earlier, Liz called and said she can no longer stay with her friend. This afternoon I will put her in a hotel, for a few nights or more likely, a week. I told her we are waiting in the labs. I don't want to put her in a regular apartment yet, since I don't have the labs in
hand. When I called the doctor's office, I gave them Liz' new cell number, and
confirmed that the high risk OB will call Liz for an appointment. Also,
I told them to please pass along Liz' number to the high risk OB, so
they can call her for an appointment."

OK. I am pissed. I don't understand why she has to put Elizabeth in a hotel for a week (which ultimately WE will have to pay for while she waits for the lab results! It shouldn't take a week for the doctor to sign off on the lab results if they are already back in the office?

Nothing new...

I don't really have anything new to report this morning. I wrote to the attorney again and got a reply of "You know they might just fax them without me calling. In case they're not that conscientious, I really don't want to call them every single
day. Those OB offices are very busy places, and I really want to stay on their good side. Please be patient and trust me with the way I deal with the doctor's office."
I wrote her back that I will try, but that she should understand we are anxious to make sure everything is OK with these lab results.
I'm expecting to be updated after every appointment Elizabeth has along the way, and now I'm concerned we are barely going to hear anything throughout the pregnancy. Hopefully I am getting ahead of myself being concerned about that, and perhaps maybe even being a control freak a bit, but don't we have the right to know everything, and isn't it understandable for us to be a little nervous and anxious?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

impatient already

I'm guessing that I won't be posting this often as things get further along, because really how much will I have to say. Most of this time will really just be waiting and most days I will not have new news to report. But it's still early, and I'm still in the excited phase, so I'm posting somewhat often.
I never did hear back from the attorney today. Is it too soon to bug her again tomorrow to see if the lab results are in? Should I wait until Thursday? I just don't want to be considered "one of those" if I bother her too often.


So I contacted our attorney this morning to see if Elizabeth's lab results were back, and she said that because she called the doctor's office on Friday to ask for them and they weren't ready yet, and because yesterday was a holiday, it's too early to call them now. That was at 9 a.m. so of course I want to bother her again now that it's after 3 p.m. but I'm restraining myself and will bother her again tomorrow.
This is going to be a long 6 months and three weeks!

The baby's development

This week, perhaps even today, we should get the results from the blood lab from Elizabeth's first appointment at the OB. I am not really sure what we will find out from these tests, as we already know her HIV and hepatitis tests were negative, her blood pressure and cholesterol were low, she had a clean drug test, etc. The test we are most anxious for is the Three Screen Test that checks for abnormalities, such as Down syndrome. It will also give us a definite answer on the baby's gender. Elizabeth can have that test when she is 16 weeks along. Today she is 10 weeks and 5 days. For some reason I anxious even to receive the lab results from this week though, even though I'm not expecting them to tell us anything more than we already know.
I subscribed to an email notification that is designed for pregnant women. Based on how far a woman is along in her pregnancy, it sends updates each week of the size of the baby and what is currently developing. I had to pretend I was the one that was pregnant in order to receive the updates. In some ways I feel as though I am pregnant myself, just another woman is carrying our baby for us.
Last Friday, when Elizabeth was 10 weeks along, the baby was the size of a kumquat, apparently. I don't even know what a kumquat actually looks like, but according to, it's a little more than an inch long, and weighs less than a quarter of an ounce. (I am honestly not sure if I have ever even seen a kumquat. Why in the world would they use that as an example? I can hardly wait what they compare the 11 week update to. At 9 weeks it said it was the size of a grape. At least I knew what a grape looked like. lol)
The baby has also now completed the most critical portion of his/her development and now the tissues and organs are rapidly growing and maturing. The baby has kidneys, intestines, a brain and liver. He/She also now has tiny nails forming on fingers and toes. He or she can bend their limbs.
Reading these updates helps me to stay connected to this baby that for some reason I cannot conceive and carry myself. Knowing what's going on with him or her each day is important to me, and this is the only way I have found to do that. Perhaps I will go to Barnes & Noble this week and see what kind of books are available for me to be able to read more about our baby's development.